The Undeveloped Story.

now i tumb.

2009-11-19T05:02:00.001+08:00

i dont blog long posts anymore.

follow me @ http://lingindiejunkie.tumblr.com/

back with more from paris.

2009-09-16T05:42:00.001+08:00

hello! it has been a while, hasnt it. i was thinking maybe i have grown out of being a blogger but im in paris and im supposed to be documenting this awesome experience! especially now. so i think im going to give blogging a shot again.

today is day 23. officially 3 weeks. wow one more week and it will be a month. i would like to say that it is quick but on the other hand, thinking of the remaining 3 months or so till i get to see gaff again, i do feel like its terribly slow. i know im contradicting myself but every night as i type my daily email to him, as the subject "day xx" increases, i get the same wow it's fast, yet it's so slow, feeling. :/

anyway, i shall talk more about the city itself. it has been an amazing experience so far. everything from the kitchen experiments to the struggling in french to the stumbling on secret parks to the spontaneous coffee sessions with new friends to feeling left out to feeling terribly homesick. to say that it has been a roller coaster would be such a cliche and a definite understatement. i wouldnt say that i have done a great job in carving a social network for myself in paris but i wouldnt say im a complete failure too. in fact, it is not essential to do much, people come to you. even though i always lament that as long as i dont speak and understand french well enough on a conversational level, i will always be quite left out in the social circle. i still believe in it, but on the other hand, as long as you try, your social circle still grows everyday, as one friend leads you to the next, and the next. it is never ending. it has been fascinating meeting new people from everywhere everyday. i think paris is still pretty lax about immigrants so im getting to know people who came from all over the world, many of them claim to be french after a while though.

speaking of the language, wow, it has been a struggle alright. i think i do improve everyday but sometimes it gets so tiring. i mean, i absolutely want to wake up and be able to speak french fluently but i know it is never going to happen that way. i have to suck it up, be thick skinned and just practice practice practice. and it gets tiring. when it gets tiring, i just go oh fuck this shit, where are the english speaking people. and you would think there are none in france but i seem to be able to locate all of them haha. which in a way is bad. i came here to learn french but im hanging out with all the english speakers! but i am definitely improving one way or another, given that at least 3 of my classes are in french. pure french.

speaking of classes. omg. the singaporean students. that being eudora and me, are taking TOO many modules. students from other universities do not have to map their modules but we have to map exact modules, which led to us taking at least 2 more seminars and courses than everybody else. today we had a sudden hit with workload and it was uncertain as how we should feel about it. panic? cause we literally have no time to do it. or be nonchalant, do the minimal and enjoy our studio trips to switzerland and berlin respectively? new experiences. new rush of crazy mixed emotions.

the thing about school here, it is, i dont know. i still cant lay a finger on it. maybe because it is only the beginning, too early to tell. but so far, i think i have been mistaken about how the students here dont work hard. from what i have gathered so far, they do work hard. the reason why they still have time to party is because, these europeans, they actually dont procrastinate. they cram all their work during the days during the weekdays and maybe some at night, and party it up at other times. from what i have gathered and from what i have been doing, it is this way. and obviously it is better. it is productive and you get a good mix. and best of all, you dont waste time and get the awful guilt from procrastinating.

i am going to berlin on thursday! my site is in studio so visits to berlin is definitely mandatory and i would be psyched if not for the many many things i still have to do before seminars next week! anyway, i still am kind of excited for it as the day approach. but me being silly, worry about things like, missing my flight. haha. i heard theres a beer fest going on when we are there, heh certainly something to look forward to! we'll see what happens. if i still has the blogger in me after this post, updates would be essential. (:

i cant really figure out when is the next time i would be able to sleep in. it sucks. but like what gen always says, we are in paris, we shouldnt even be sleeping! haha, i dont really believe in that actually. where ever i am, sleep is always important. so im going to go get some sleep now. because for the next week and some more, sleep will be hard to come by. talk to you guys soon. hope all is well in singapore and i really really miss nasi lemak. :P

large bay windows halfway around the globe.

2009-08-24T22:26:00.003+08:00

hello from paris. (: so i have finally arrived. it has been more than half a day now. the journey here was hardly manageable but im proud of myself for having made it.

the night before i left all the way till i left was pretty hard. both of us were picturing dark times after my departure. his absence was unthinkable for me and mine for him. needless to say, there was plenty of tears. the first few hours was especially horrible. i kept crying while the fact that he wont be around me starts to sink in and when i read the letters he wrote me for my lonely long journey across the globe. i have an amazing amazing boyfriend who understands and is ever so supportive and loving. isnt it weird to feel so close to someone even though you are miles and miles apart? i hope this separation will do us good and bring us closer and make our love deeper and stronger. (:

the flights were tiring. i shouldve slept more but the inflight entertainment was so good, the movies and tv shows kept me up even though i was exhausted. it is never easy to sleep in economy class anyway, even if you get leg room, they hardly stay comfortable for long.

the most memorable part must be from the time i arrive at cdg airport. i have been worrying about how to get my 30kg luggage off the luggage belt throughout the journey and the moment of truth have arrived. i remember feeling so proud that i managed to drag it off the belt without it making a heavy thud and i even managed to drag it onto a trolley. but that was so easy to compared to the journey ahead. paris metro stations have miserably narrow fare gates, miserablyyyy narrow. i had to drag my luggage in through its narrower width and also manage my possibly 10kg heavy hand luggage at the same time. AND the metros and the platforms are not level! there is a freaking floor drop, i had to ask people to help me get my luggage on and off the metros. okay worst part was dragging my luggage when changing from the RER to metro line 2. unlike outram park to NEL or dhoby ghaut, that was soooooooo far. i had to stop every 10 steps because my arm couldnt take the weight anymore. when i was finally at the fare gates, i almost died when i saw that it was even narrower than the previous one. thank god a french man helped me with getting into the station and up many flights of stairs. it was a nightmare. last leg before i meet fred, who is jean's brother, and whom im renting a place from! and finally i arrived at anvers, where i was meeting fred. i was so so proud of myself by then, having made it halfway around the globe, having managed my luggage and having conversed in french.

the apartment that im going to call home for the next 4 months is pretty cool. i like it a lot so far. (: it comes with a beautiful adorable black cat too.

i miss gaff a lot. im beginning to get used to the fact that im going to be here for a couple more months and its starting to feel a bit wow i really am going to live in paris. but such a huge part of me misses him so much. i guess thats inevitable.

i just tried to explore the area but i came home in an hour because i got lost and i decided to stop before i get even more lost haha. and it started to rain. i think i will try again tomorrow. find the supermarkets and stuff.

hello skype.

2009-08-17T23:29:00.003+08:00

hello. it's my birthday. happy birthday me.

i stopped work officially last friday. finally. the last few weeks at work were a total drag, i basically sat there just to show that i was in the office, so that i would not get my salary deducted. i am so glad that today and for the rest of this week, i can wake up at whatever time i want. the downside is that i have to pack. i have never been a huge fan of packing, funny, being someone who has to move a lot. you would think that i am going to like it this time, im packing but hell yeah im packing for paris! well yes, paris. woah. i still cannot believe it sometimes. me. paris. an entire semester.

just years ago, i was proudly announcing to the world that it was my dream to study overseas and one day one day i am going to fulfill that dream. no, being broke was not going to stop me. and here i am. bank accounts filling up slowly but surely as i worked and saved for this dream of mine. here i am, still short of sufficient funds to live comfortably where im headed, but enough. sort of enough. here i am.

but similarly to what a lot of people have experienced before they leave, im feeling some kind of odd anxiety. it is not panicky. it is calm. it is calm yet it is anxiety. if you get what i mean. it is a okay im going to paris in a week. okay i do not know what to feel next. it is a i am moody right now but i do not know why feeling.

i didnt feel like it was my birthday today. i felt slightly moody and i am so sorry that i do, because love put in so much effort to make it a good one. he bought me my desired white docs, royce chocolates, photo frame with our photos in it so that i can put it on my desk in paris, and tiny 23 little notes of why he loves me. he laid the notes so that they slowly led me to the gifts, one by one, until i opened the cupboard and saw the dr martens shoe box, gave a shriek and cried. i feel bad for being moody today when he planned all these in a really short time. he loves me so much and me him too.

you know. i really don't want to leave him. ):

it's just 6 days now. it's not even 6 days. 5.

weird.

i have more or less bought stuff i need to bring with me. i finally found a place to stay, thank you jean and thank you fred. it would not be fair to say that i am not thrilled. i am. i am eager to meet gen, eager to have picnics on vast greens over vast blue skies, eager to explore little quirky lanes with hidden treasures, eager to converse in french and improve as i go along the way, eager to attend the architecture biennale which is happening this year in rotterdam, eager to study at esa and make friends with architecture students coming from different parts of the world, eager to share thoughts and ideas, eager to learn how to cook, eager to experience winter and ever so eager to layer myself in warm winter clothing everyday and step onto the streets of paris, much like those girls on parisian style blogs. yes i am eager. but these feelings are heavily heavily buried by even deeper feelings of my reluctance to be once again separated from gaff.

i will embrace this new experience when the time comes. he has been so so supportive and understanding, it is unbelievable. who knows, maybe a chance for me to return to europe legally for long term will pop up somewhere during this trip and then we will not have to worry about the next separation.

this love is remarkable.

sounds cheesy but i really believe that we were born to love one another. (:

birthday WISHLIST.

2009-08-02T21:18:00.002+08:00

a wishlist. just for the fun of it.

1. CASHHHH.

2. the most awesome looking headphones i have laid eyes on in a long long longgg time. eskuche gold headphones.

3. muji luggage in white.
4. dr martens white boots 14eye.
5. awesome looking clothes for the fall and winter season.

6. archi books! i have always wanted a whole library of architecture books, but to be honest, i dont think ill really read them.

7. everyone to be well and happy!

8. my love and i to be happily together foreverrrr. OR more realistically, to fast forward to the day we can be happily together forever, no more separations to think about.

2009-08-02T21:16:00.001+08:00

and last friday...

we turn one year old. (:

separation part 4.

2009-07-27T13:19:00.000+08:00

22 days to paris. how did time go by so fast? how did it all happen? how did the prague workshop come about? how did i get selected? how did i get gaff to agree to tour europe with us? how did we fall in love? how did i leave him when i left for prague? how did i survive prague in all of its ugliness without him by my side? how did i book my weekend trip to holland and at the same time book us a lifetime of love and happiness? how did i leave him again at the end of the weekend? how did we manage to mask our affections for one another until i came clean in a letter? how did he manage to not say anything till he read that letter which arrived after i touched down in singapore, on skype? how did he tear and asked me to be his significant other till we get married? how did i get pass 3 months of is absence, living off skype and text messages, all along thinking we will only be reunited sometime now when i leave for exchange? how did fate twists and he shows up 10 months earlier than scheduled? how did i made it through that cold morning in the airport, waiting to see him come out from that departure gates? how did i fall into his arms, both of us silently vowing never to be separated again?

we are 4 days to being one year together. 4 days. the past year consists of nothing short of the best and worst (when we fight) moments of my life. which words will never do justice to so i shall not describe. i know that each and every love story is special. but ours is so special. it is so special. we are 2 halves that fit perfectly together and one would be lost without the other. since he enlisted, i havent slept well, other than the weekends when we are reunited. since he enlisted, each week is long as a year and i lost my appetite, i no longer feel hungry and i lost 4 kgs in 2 weeks. sometimes at work, tears suddenly threaten to surface, if i cant hold them back, i would have to make a dash to the ladies. and i know, back in camp, the same thing is happening to him.

recently i have been having nightmares. nightmares of myself weeping breathlessly before my flight to paris. especially since paris is now so near, both of us cant stop thinking about the day i leave and the 4 long months till we reunite again. sometimes i hate myself for doing this. sometimes i really dont want to go anymore but its much more complicated than that. i know because, i have seen prague without him, and prague, even prague, was ugly. how did i ever think i can do this without him? he has always tried to be strong for me, if i cry, he will comfort me. and more often than not, it is me who cry. these days, most days end with either one of us, or both, in tears. the only good thing that came out of it is that we both realise how terribly much we love and need one another. but then again, we didnt need one more separation to know that. so what the hell did i go and commit to this exchange for?

i am so sorry, baby. i am so sorry. i promise i will be back as soon as i can, it will be over before we know it. and this will make us stronger than ever. whatever that doesnt kill us will only make us stronger, remember? i promise this is the last time im leaving you. nothing will ever ever tear us apart. till the day we are together in a place where nothing will bother us and there will be no more separations, i love you so much, boyfriend. dont cry. know that we love one another so much and this love is so very special. dont cry.

i miss you.

2009-07-07T23:37:00.003+08:00

drained. i am drained. scheduled to start the stuff for the tram studies for the one year apart prague workshop thing due this friday but im drained. mentally. emotionally. i dont mean to be such a whiner these days but i feel pretty useless and lost without my boyfriend around.

i miss him.

i hereby extend my apologies if i ever said 'chey a few days only what!' to you when you complain to me about your loved one going away temporarily. i didnt know. i didnt realize this is how it would feel like. not even a day and a piece of me is missing. i feel like how i felt in prague when i left him in holland. i felt almost the same. a part of me. gone.

he enlisted this morning. finally going to do what he supposedly returned to singapore for. to serve the nation. few days prior to that, tears were shed by both of us as he packed and emptied his stuff from my room. his absence is jarring everywhere i turn. no more wet towels on the bed, no more men toiletries on the shelves, no more tshirts hanging behind the door, and that shelf i reserved for him, its empty now. all the habits ive come to hate and love, gone. all there is left are traces. the empty blueberry tea bottles i refused to throw away, just so i can feel like he is still here. god, i miss him.

god, i miss him so much.

i have been on the verge of tears the entire day, crying a little each time and then holding them back. i cannot bear his absence. i even seriously contemplated giving up paris. i cant do this. i am so fiercely determined never to leave him for a long period of time ever again. this love has to go through too many of them. as usual, gen made a point about how i could network there and eventually make it back when he returns to europe too.

i can give up everything. i can lose anything. but i would never ever want to lose him. i'd rather die.

'i cry a little throughout the day thinking of you but that's okay, it's comforting to know how much we love each other :) goodnight my love!'

i love you too. so much.

Shockingly good 11 months.

2009-06-30T21:42:00.002+08:00

hey look thats us when we were only best friends. a little weird to look at it now though and to know how we are not just best friends anymore lol.

and look. its our 11th month today. (:

PERMANENT RESIDENTS SHOULD GET GST OFFSET PACKAGE TOO!

2009-06-29T13:07:00.002+08:00

Just like the average Singaporean,

1. we pay income tax.
2. our salary is deducted for cpf.
3. we do not qualify for gst refund.

So why when the privilege comes, we are excluded? Why are we not eligible for the GST offset package?!

?!?!??!?!!!!!!

IT'S THE SWINE.

2009-06-27T10:05:00.003+08:00

i know that the lack of updates has rendered me invisible on the blogging scene, there has just been nothing much to blog about, until my trip to manila, which i will, when i get my hands on a proper card reader. if you are on my facebook or if you follow me on twitter, you probably already know that im ill with a bad case of stomach flu. thank god its nothing more serious than that though.

ive had really bad diarrhea since the 3rd day in manila which i blamed on the street food but thought it very normal so didnt pay much attention to it. but when it didnt subside after 3 days, it did become kind of suspicious. especially when i finally drop my bags in a hurry at the side of a road kerb and threw up. still, it just seemed like a normal mild case of food poisoning. i took a day off from work and rested, i needed it. even though i was still not feeling quite up to it the next day, i dragged myself to work. i dont get mc paid leaves, all my absence from work amounts up to pro-rated salary deductions, which is why i try as much as possible to firmly plant my ass on that office chair of mine on weekdays working hours.

2nd day at work, i felt okay in the morning. not peachy and all healthy, but okay. okay enough to be there, okay enough to work. somehow though, after lunch, i began to feel a little hotter than i should feel. temperature-wise. that was when i started to freak out. as the h1n1 flu bug circulates around in the community, even the softest cough or sneeze on the train makes me throw a suspicious glance over to wherever it was coming from and keep my distance. im so terribly afraid of contracting the virus that i wore a mask all the way on my trip back from manila and i wash my hands according to the proper steps of doing it, as published! besides that, my bf and i take pride in bringing a bottle of hand sanitizer wherever we go, sanitizing our hands everytime we come into contact with foreign objects, live or not. so if anyone was going to get it, how could it, why should it be me?

still, youll never know. i immediately took my rising temperature, which was a 37.4 at that time and asked for a mask at the reception. its pretty normal to see people wearing masks these days, you may call it being socially responsible. me wearing one though, i suspect, freaked everyone in the office out a little, given that i just returned from an affected country. as worried as i was, i stayed in my seat and waited for my boyfriend to get here so he could bring me to see a doctor or something. and anyway just him being around would have comforted me a whole lot. and then a small frightened mouse decided to let loose that i just came back from the philippines and that im running a fever.

HOLY MOLY COWWW. thats when everybody freaked out and thats when i realize all along, my judgement when it comes to being nice to a certain character have been terribly wrong. i will credit myself for being dubious all along and certainly, its time to stop being friends with people this shallow. anyway, boss had me leave and i felt it was okay because he actually walked over to tell me and not scream it from 2 bays away because he could be afraid i have the virus. but then again, someone had to do it.

so i left, with well wishes from terry and plenty of malicious accusations of me actually having the virus behind my back. hey, im not stupid, i knew. boyfriend met me somewhere near, he hugged me and wanted to kiss me as usual but i refused to. hes not scared, hes never scared and he doesnt freak out. he must be some kind of saint. so we took a cab to tts hospital because we didnt want to infect anyone in the train should i really have it. should have called the 993 ambulance service though, but i thought it would charge a fee and i was a miserable pauper.

when we arrived, i was told i have to be escorted in and bf couldnt follow. that was when i cried. i cried because i was terribly worried and because i didnt know if i can do it without him by my side. im such a baby. i did okay though. it was an excruciatingly painful wait. there were so. many. people. each one of us was allocated to a seat each with a table, kind of like in an examination hall. which was okay at first, but imagine having to stay in that seat for what they claim to be usually, 6-8 hours. me, i sat there 9 hours. if i wasnt sick, i would have been by the end of it.

i had to wait around 30minutes before someone came to take my blood pressure. a few more minutes later, i had a blood test and they took swab samples from my throat and both my nostrils. it was all okay except for the nose bit, that one was nasty. imagine someone sticking something down your nostril and you feel completely helpless, thats how i felt. about 30minutes later, i was called to do a xray. that was where the most exciting part ended, now came the painful wait. 9 slow, long, hours. the guy sitting in front tried to strike up a conversation and i politely obliged. no one blames these anymore, we were all horribly bored. but i didnt have much strength to carry a conversation. i didnt have much to eat, had no appetitie and felt like if i were to eat or even drink water, i would throw up.

9 freaking hours later, my results came back negative. i simply had a bad bout of food poisoning, stomach flu and its likes. the guy in front of me wasnt so lucky though, he tested positive. it wouldnt have been polite to suddenly fleed so i smiled and wished him good luck. when i left the compounds, my boyfriend ran from somewhere across the roads, behind some bushes, and i ran into his embrace. (: he has been an absolute gem. he is priceless, you know. sometimes i really really think i cant do paris without him, but i shrug away that thought immediately, because i know, i have to do this. but my boyfriend, the way he loves me and the way i love him, its just magical.

2nd day since i left cdc, i think i feel much better today than yesterday where i barely swallowed half a bowl of fish bee hoon soup. i really really hope i have the appetite to eat properly today and actually not feel nauseous afterwards. i totally get it now. its more painful to not be able to eat well than be fat. i promise. still, i cant deny that feeling this unbearably light and skinny these few days feel kind of sinfully good. gahh.

i hope everyone in the office is relieved and not feeling kind of disappointed their favorite (im being sarcastic) colleague is tested negative.

so this is my personal dose of experience from this episode of pandemic.

2009-06-01T16:39:00.002+08:00

10 months. it has been 10 long months. its actually short when i think about sandra's 58 (or is it 59) months long relationship. its actually short when i think about the times ahead we have to walk through, together, or not, before we can finally settle in one place, in one same place. together. and that is still an unknown.

10 months as lovers. and i cannot remember how long it has been that we were friends. and best friends. when i look back, all i can picture is one big fuzzy image painted by myspace and the local music scene. its funny to acknowledge that while i have abandoned myspace and its spam infested messaging system, i do need to thank it a million times for bringing me the love of my life.

since the start, i am aware that there are many uncertainties in our relationship. i am paris bound in less than 3 months. he is NS bound in one month. and the worst part is obviously his return to holland after NS. something i cannot stop dwelling upon. something i have nightmares about. i hear silent objections when i talk to my friends, all the time. i am defensive about it but blame can never be properly placed. a few things are for sure though, i love him so much and he loves me so much. he is an awesome boyfriend who makes me really happy. when hes not asking me annoying questions lol. he's like an inquisitive kid who is non exhausive. and even though i get annoyed, i secretly love it.

friends, who are true friends, see his goodness too and support our love. something which i am really thankful for. because the friends who arent, frustrates me endlessly with their narrow minds.

and he smells like milk powder. (:

its amazing how you realized you have never truly lived till you fall in love. to me, that is the point where one starts to live and feel the bittersweet melody of it all. being in love is so rich in a wide variety of intense emotions you never realize you can feel.

the feeling of being so sure, despite everything. that is quite a surprise.

i love him so much.

hey there love.

2009-05-31T22:06:00.003+08:00

10th month. <3

pre-results-release-nerves talk.

2009-05-29T12:36:00.002+08:00

SINGLISH WARNING.

----- Original Message -----
From: Ling Indiejunkie
To: Intern - Play Imaginative
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 11:14 AM
Subject: Re: Re:

school results!!!
1pm!

yah then log in online immediately the screen pops out your results. very nervewrecking one. everytime type in the username and pw already then dont dare to click enter. the cursor hover over the enter key very long.

Intern - Play Imaginative
lol...lame leh u...
like tt oso can ah...
kan kan gen ta an xia qu...
like the mocca advertisement...click click~~

Ling Indiejunkie
best is click already the whole screen a lot of A. wah sure stand up dance lol

Intern - Play Imaginative
imagine all z...confirm jump off frm ur buildin....

Ling Indiejunkie
...........
EH DONT CURSE LEH
here full glass window one. hiong hiong gen ta chuang xia qu right

2009/5/29 Intern - Play Imaginative
no la...
u mus do a mid air 360...den wall ride the glass window.... den back spin downwards...as u shout...
GAFFAR WAN SUI!!!!

Ling Indiejunkie
LOLWTF!
i snatch a colleague mv* the window la lol

Intern - Play Imaginative
ya..u do like super nice combo la...
u MV alr...midway u do a flyin kick..so he fly towards the window...den u continue with
mid air 360...den wall ride the glass window.... den back spin downwards den u step on your colleague....
hyper maximum velocity to first floor as u scream

GAFFAR WO AI NI JIU JIU!!!!

HAHAHAHAWTF.

btw. mv is our personal joke. it is abbrev for maximum velocity where a guy back slams someone else lol.

eightteen seconds before sunrise.

2009-05-29T08:50:00.001+08:00

what a great way to start my friday! reading news like this!

new album near completion
sigur rós have certainly been keeping busy lately. in addition to the riceboy sleeps album, jónsi’s solo album and kjartan’s ondine soundtrack, sigur rós have been at work in their sundlaugin studio in álafoss the past few weeks recording a full length album, which is now nearing completion. orri told morgunblaðið newspaper today that the recordings have been going very well and that the album is taking form as a slower and more ambient record than með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust and takk…. he also describes the music as melodic but much less noisy and more “out there” than previous albums. the album does not have a release date set but is expected to be released sometime next year.

tralalalalalalalalalaaaaa!

updates.

2009-05-27T22:18:00.003+08:00

1. yes its been a while.

2. havent been on msn havent been blogging havent been active on facebook. and see no reason in doing all those stuff when my everything is right next to me. (: however i have been extremely active on twitter. that, being the only networking website, office didnt block.

3. finally met sandra for dinner and it was heartwarming because i love my friend! but as usual, she went on about how im no good and my boyfriend is a lot of good. dont know where she get her information from but basically she will side him if anything goes wrong. where got like that one!

4. have been busy hunting for flight bargains to paris and accommodation with eudora. we might be booking our flights as soon as tomorrow, which is not very soon, given how a lot of good deals have been snapped up already. accommodation is a nightmare. student residences are going like hot cakes and not easy to apply for. other sorts might be all scams.

5. working life is still a blur. the days zoom past week after week.

6. need to move to another room in my student hostel right now because not many people are staying for the vacation so they want to gather everyone in just a few blocks. unfortunately, i went to collect my keys earlier to the new room, went to check out the new room and the door wouldnt budge! no idea why. need to take half day leave tomorrow to go the office and check out why and also to move. such a hassle.

7. most of my stuff are in boxes now. piling up by the door. belts and sashes neatly tucked in a paper bag. books and files stacked up in plastic storage boxes. reality of separation hasnt look so clear since.. well since that night in amsterdam.

8. this week is pay week! im going to take a bit of that money for a pair of running shoes. ive really been wanting to run but havent got the money to buy a pair. the rest goes into the exchange fund.

9. results out friday afternoon 1330. not going to check first. going to eat first.

10. have been eating only wholemeal bread and peanut butter everyday for breakfast and lunch. the main reason is to lose weight, the secondary one is to save money. and im pleased about both. i feel lighter, which i feel might be psychological. but hey, if it makes me happy, it goes well.

11. for some reason, i have been having tummy aches and diarrhea every working day. weekends i am perfectly fine. as soon as monday hits, my tummy starts to hurt.

12. tonight is the champions league and i want barcelona to win.

13. tonight is also the first night im going to fall asleep alone after the longest time.

14. hello boyfriend, i miss you already.

15. so how are we surviving paris?

16. im sorry. i love you.

17. coming sunday. 10th month. and i still feel so intensely in love with you.

style icon.

2009-05-22T11:01:00.002+08:00

not sure selly will approve of me replacing rachael bilson as our permanent style icon but taylor momsen's offbeat, quirky and oh-so-cool and refreshing style keeps blowing me away on gossip girl.

finale fever.

2009-05-20T12:30:00.000+08:00

after watching desperate housewives for 5 seasons, grey's anatomy for 5 seasons and prison break for 4 seasons, i have grown attached to their characters. needless to say the finale fever these 2 weeks had been a rollercoaster for me. many times i had to pause the show because i was afraid of the outcome, afraid of whats going to happen, afraid that my favorite character will die. having said that, i hope both izzie and george live.

and michael. why did you have to die!?!?!!!!

:'(((

p.s. i think lost had a phenomenal finale as well, pity i gave up watching it beginning of season 3. and im going to watch gossip girl's finale tonight.

pause the tragic ending.

2009-05-14T23:47:00.003+08:00

hey it took a while for me to get used to the whole working life thing again. i guess i got sucked into the whole healthy working lifestyle thing as i always do for a bit. working makes me live my life in a much healthy manner. i eat my three meals (that is if i do not have the discipline to stick to my one-handful-of-almonds-only-and-chocolate-milk lunch diet), i drink lots of lots of water, i apply hand cream every time i feel like i have nothing to do or when im just plain bored. and i sleep early. i know this blog post is not going to prove that right, but this is an exception. i sleep early. its beginning to be more believable that im going to be doing this for the next 3 months.

working life is scary. you sit there, whether you are occupied or unoccupied with work, and will for lunchtime to arrive. after that you watch as the seconds tick, willing this time, for 6pm. after work life never lasts long enough and before you know it, you are dragging your feet to the office again and the cycle continues. as slow as the minutes seem to pass when you are starring at the small digital figures on the bottom right hand corner of your computer screen, believe me, working life makes life teleports. vacations do not end so fast when you are just sitting around doing nothing. working just speeds everything up by the speed of light, if that even makes sense.

that is scary. that means im growing older faster. and that isnt even the point. that means, im moving out of campus really soon. that means, love and i cant stay together much longer. that means, love is enlisting really soon. that means, im leaving for paris really soon. that means, we are going to be separated by continents, by miles and miles of oceans and mountains, once again. i dont know if i can stand that thought, even though its me at the other end of the world this time.

today as i was holding his hand walking around vivocity, just walking around, looking at clothes, looking at nothing. fear gripped me. i recollect this very afternoon when he came by to have lunch with me, this very evening when he waited at my office lobby, the embraces and the kisses, the happily holding his hand strolling to the bus stop. i think about the journey we are going to take back home, the 'huhhh need to walk so far' complaints he always makes, the 'take cab la' requests he always has. i think about the consecutive nights i lay down and close my eyes, falling to sleep with the gentle heaving of his chest, the rhythmic sounds of his breathing. i then think about his silly waves and kisses in the morning and little habitual greetings we do when we wake up and how those things make my mornings complete.

all these will end, really soon. and i fear what i will feel when i try to fall asleep alone. i fear waking up without him beside me. i fear not seeing him everyday.

if i can only make these days last forever, i dont mind drawing escalators and resolving impossble-to-resolve scissors staircases everyday.

why cant beautiful things stay?

you neednt tell me. i know it myself. my own thoughts are whats breaking me down.

music: rachael yamagata - the only fault

If I could have some say

I'd keep you far from home

I'd roll back both my sleeves, dig under your skin

And fix your shattered bones

HELP.

2009-05-11T14:13:00.001+08:00

for people with nothing better to do and wouldnt mind rescuing a damsel condemned to extreme office boredom (hell), please initiate chat by emailing lingindiejunkie@gmail.com.

now.

i need a doctor.

2009-05-10T11:57:00.002+08:00

ive wanted these boots for the longest time. i still want them.

(:

2009-05-09T00:15:00.002+08:00

today is the day my life begins.

all my life, i've been just me, just a smart-mouthed kid. today, i become a man. today, i become a husband. today, i become accountable to someone other than myself. today, i become accountable to you. to our future. to all the possibilities that our marriage has to offer. together, no matter what happens, i'll be right here. for anything. for everything. to take on life. to take on love. to take on possibility and responsibility. today, izzie stevens, our life together begins.

and i for one, can't wait.

alex karev to izzie stevens

greys anatomy s05e22

i like my flower.

2009-05-01T17:32:00.001+08:00

the third one is practically looking at my sister omg. yay im meeting the gems for dinner in an hour. awesome!

2009-05-01T13:27:00.001+08:00

yes my mattress is in the sun!

and wow im using my blog like twitter now.

little bastards.

2009-05-01T12:03:00.003+08:00

i did it again. bedbugs warfare. the last time i did this i did it so well that my friends reckon i should do it as a day job.

its not okay. waking up with bed bug bites all over again. i hate this shit. my bf slept on the same bed as me for the past 2 nights and he has nothing on him while i have those annoying red spots which itch like hell. those little bastards. and he, like my mom, is one of those people who dont see the fuss with bed bugs. i mean, people who has encounters with them know that if the infestation is slightly more than mild, you might even have to move altogether! its not okay. bed bugs are real drags.

so i did it all over again. i woke up too early to be true. swept and cleaned everything near the bed. taped up and sealed all holes and cracks, possible hiding place for those little bastards. sprayed bed bug spray everywhere and sprinkled prickly heat powder everywhere too. this powder shit is so good, thank god its cheap too. now im out of tapes. all the sheets are in the wash. the comforter under the sun. i really need to get the mattress out in the sun too but i cant really carry that down myself and the sun isnt reaching the clothes line well either. ive sprayed the spray on it though. will sprinkle powder on it again and again and love's coming home with clingwrap which we will wrap that old thing in. maybe i should dump my old pillow and shits.

i really hope tonight i sleep peacefully and wake up feeling successful about the battle today. ):

talk about bad luck, exam tomorrow. please let me sleep.

why dutch design is so good?

2009-04-25T10:50:00.002+08:00

how do you not love the dutch for their creativity?

color-in dress

silly photobooth pictures.

2009-04-23T02:08:00.008+08:00

I CUT MY HAIR AGAIN.

post riba thoughts.

2009-04-19T01:34:00.002+08:00

which may be completely unrelated to riba.

sam said shes feeling a little sad riba's submission is over. im just putting it down in words cause that remark still makes me hang my jaw down in shock. haha shes what i call a true architecture warrior LOL. that is, if shes not missing it for the wrong reasons. :D

post riba is awesome. no more worrying about the shit loads of work to do and feeling guilty about lying down doing nothing. im sure most of us spent friday night snoozing away, and i dearly hope nobody broke my record of 20hours continuous sleep. which, didnt happen that night. that night was spent under the banyan tree outside singapore museum at the singapore international film festival. love and i caught the outdoor screening of kallang roar. well.. i have to say its a rather well made local film. however its somewhat anti-malaysia (football) and that made me feel uneasy about cheering the lions on along with everybody else and laughing when they remarked that malaysia has no meepok. i may not speak malay but i do know i am a malaysian. ): you know what, i think malaysia has yummier food than what im being offered here now. so there.

today was spent at the singapore museum gallery theatre where love and i caught yuri's day which was also part of the film festival. we bought tickets for another screening on wednesday. one called punksters and youngsters. (:

i think my soul has been sucked by restaurant city. and that is sick. i just got really upset because my waiters refused to stay where they are supposed to be and my cooks refused to cook. i know how that must sound. i wish i can be as calm as my boyfriend a lot of times. i get so easily affected by everything. he, on the other hand, is ridiculously cool headed. case in point, we found out that he has to work on the day we bought tickets for one of the films, and quite often it is impossible for find someone to replace your shift. and i started to panic. and he went, yeah, how? while his expression totally doesnt match that concerned remark, the best part was when he started to hum this impossibly happy tune the very next second. i looked down at him, completely amazed at how he can always stay so unfazed.

direct opposite of me.

oh my god. im so glad my restaurant is up and running normally again. im so not sleeping until i level up. hahaha.

stale closet.

2009-04-15T01:53:00.005+08:00

i want her headband.

i want her topshop jumper. and sheer stockings. and shoes. lulu always has awesome shoes.

i want her jacket.

i want her hair.

i want to be her.

i want her pants.

i am dying for new clothes. ): havent had a wardrobe update in 10000 years.

its almost over.

2009-04-14T23:06:00.003+08:00

submission this time round is well.. scary. for all the wrong reasons. because i didnt lose any sleep. didnt panic. didnt exactly stress out. which makes me worry sometimes that maybe my stuff isnt detailed enough. shrugs. and now im feeling too lazy to start on my models for the 2nd round of submission.

maybe this time. the real submission feeling will creep back. maybe.

p.s. the colors in my panels look wrong uploaded. the blues are not supposed to be blues.

why.

2009-04-10T23:37:00.003+08:00

i am really.. sick and tired of this submission. its honestly not that bad, given that i havent exactly been pressed for time and lost a lot of sleep, other than the one time i had to queue for that blardy laser machine. otherwise, its a lot less insane than erik days. and its hardly because i dont give a fuck. i do. but when your boyfriend is enlisting in less than 3 months, and you are leaving the country in 4 months, doing anything else other than spend time with one another just seems... wrong.

lets not even talk about ns. thats okay. thats okay compared to everything else. compared to being separated by continents.

if only there is no place to go back to. no place to go to.

no separations. no tears. no risks. no tests.

fuck 'see this as a test'.

i dont want tests. our relationship has to go through too many tests. i dont want tests. im too scared for tests.

please. not so many tests. please.

so skinny!

2009-04-09T07:00:00.003+08:00

i just woke up from an 11 hour sleep after i havent slept in almost 2 days. and i havent done that in a loongggg time. stupid ****ing laser machine queue. i camped outside the workshop since 3am in the morning. ): but love was with me i love him so much. (:

best part is, i havent eaten anything in more than a day and i dont feel hungry and i feel so skinny. haha ok i know its not healthy so im grabbing a bite once the canteen opens.

but i feel SO SKINNY!

let the cycle repeat.

8th.

2009-04-03T01:40:00.002+08:00

submission in 11 days. i know counting down always stressed everybody out. just to make sure im not alone. (: submission being so near, there isnt really time to do anything else much. but to keep the spark going, love and i walked to west coast park for dinner on our 8th month. (:

shucks. i look so tired.

hello. i love you LAH. (:

final push.

2009-04-02T00:53:00.003+08:00

i am feeling stressed and scared and nervous about submission. i am all geared with coke light (its the only beverage i believe that can keep me awake and energized) to work through the night.

last night i worked till 4am and almost immediately i fell into deep slumber the minute my head hit the bed and i dreamt that a chameleon was flying towards my face from the roof of my very own design. and i woke up in a startle.

talk about being stressed out.

p.s. gen is going to paris too. yayyyness to the max.

stressed out urban design studio students.

2009-03-31T01:32:00.003+08:00

2 more weeks to final submission.

full production mode.

this hurts.

2009-03-29T11:30:00.003+08:00

the phrase 'you belong to me' can never be true. unless your partner literally has no friends nor family.

sometimes when youre alone with your significant other and you feel like the world only revolves around the two of you. that you are solely his and vice versa. but you see him with his family and friends, who wants him as much in their lives, suddenly you get a reality check.

and you know, that he can never be yours completely.

a crippling blow.

2009-03-28T00:16:00.005+08:00

its really not that i have never considered it. in fact i think about it almost every single day, but unlike for most other matters i do not obsess over this one. maybe because i simply refuse to acknowledge the reality, maybe because i like to believe that it can happen and it will happen. so i do not brood over this, i am reminded each day but i always almost immediately manage to shrug the bad feelings away and go on with my life.

people who dont know me, think i am pretty well off. which is a joke really. because i am nothing close to that. so when i deny and these people think im trying to feign humbleness, i get pretty annoyed. i am not, well to do. really, im far from that.

my family havent been doing well financially for a really long time. which is why i worked for a year after poly to earn my fees for overseas undergraduate studies. when that amount seemed impossible to attain, i gave up and ended up in nus. it has always been a dream of mine to study overseas. a huge huge dream of mine. and i am a fighter, i do not leave my dreams behind. which is why when i went to nus i told myself, exchange would be my chance. it has to. its my only hope left of fulfilling this dream.

the first semester in nus was a real struggle. i struggled to fit in. i struggled because i hated my tutor, he made me believe the worst in nus. he made me believe everything bad i thought that nus was, is true. i sobbed and sobbed almost every night. if i was not sobbing, i was calculating how much it would cost to leave nus and go to the cheapest australian university. finally, i gave up that thought because i didnt want to further burden my family as it was. it was a genuine reason for my decision. it was my only reason.

i knew. i knew all along that nobody is going to be able to help much when exchange comes along. really i know. but i just kept telling myself that i will make it happen. i will work hard to do this for myself. i did it for the prague workshop and i can do it again. which is why, i havent actually rested. for almost 2 years, if im not studying im working. i start working full time even before the semester ends, and i stop working 2 days before a new semester starts. and what choice do i have? i have no complaints. if i want this, i will get it on my own.

so i say, i knew. but still, when she called me last night and said things, my heart stopped. suddenly reality was right in front of me. paris seemed further and further away from me. the whole night i struggled. with my dreams. with morality. the truth is, i dont know the right thing to do. and if there is even a right thing to do.

i am hardly ever there. i must be the most distant member in the family. sometimes i really wonder if they all know me as who i really am. honestly, i feel that they dont. and can i blame them? i dont think so. i am never there. and for someone, whose expressions show her true emotions right away, i hardly express much in front of them. there isnt a reason why. its just the way i am. when things happen at home, i dont ask and i dont appear to care. but i hide away and i cry. no one sees it. so whos to blame?

i dont think it is a choice between dream and family. its hard to say why. but.. yeah. why cant i do both. the truth is, even if i stay, what difference does it make? the truth is, if you are family, why would you want me to throw away what i want so much? i dont want to go, i dont want to go if it means that all of you will not support my decision. i can come up with my own exchange fund, i can do this by myself.

but if it means i am still not going to be understood, i dont know how to do this.

and as fate would have it, jasper sent the exchange handbooks and application forms right after the phone call. it details everything i need to know, from insurance to accommodation to bicycle rental. i should feel psyched. i almost wanted to forget about reality and feel psyched. but i could not.

what would you do?

sacrifices.

2009-03-26T10:52:00.001+08:00

i am currently made up of fats, dark circles, eye bags, pimples and a tired mind.

oh i love you, architecture.

trying to be. brave.

2009-03-24T00:05:00.003+08:00

sometimes i think im really brave.

but honestly, all of these scares me to death. everything. architecture. family. love. life. it freaks me out. changes freak me out. the hints of changes freak me out. the imageries of changes freak me out. i freak myself out.

sometimes i think i have it under control.

but when confronted with my own demon, i break down.

all of these. scares me to death.

work overload.

2009-03-23T22:10:00.002+08:00

im feeling really tired now that the submission demons are all breathing down my neck. tech pin up this thursday. structural report this friday. environmental systems next tuesday. and of course we have the ever so scary riba part 1 submission in 3 weeks times and a million things to resolve.

but in a rather sick kind of way, this kind of busy feels quite good.

still im really scared. still really scared of riba. studio today went okay. i adore my tutor today cause i believe he pulled me back on the right track. i completely changed my design twice while he was away and now he has pulled me back to where we stopped before. even though that means what ive done can now be deleted, im glad. exploration is never wasted. i dont know how true it is but at least he believes in me or my scheme more than mr part time tutor, with whom i almost had a quarrel with. never dislike another tutor as much since theodore chan.

i mean its one thing to disagree with me. its another to disagree without respect. even though you are a tutor.

oh my god. so much to do.

die die must resolve structure tomorrow.

2009-03-21T15:58:00.002+08:00

crapitecture.

2009-03-19T21:29:00.002+08:00

for almost every project, i have one crying session.

today, i cried for this one.

jam legend.

2009-03-18T16:26:00.001+08:00

very bad. im addicted.

jam legend.

options.

2009-03-18T11:25:00.003+08:00

i see him everyday. almost everyday.

which, might not be good, considering how im going to be away for months. really soon. while im supposed to feel really excited for exchange (in paris, i mean helloooo its paris!) and i am, but the other feeling weighs so much heavier that it makes feeling excited about it kinda impossible. i could only smile at him, hold him and say no we are not going to be separated, when he woke up one morning saying he had a nightmare. he dreamt that i was flying away and that we were separated.

sometimes i wonder if its because im too selfish. refusing to give this up. but really i know it has nothing to do with that. maybe only partly. but mostly, i just want to reserve my own rights, to be able to be myself and chase my dreams. mostly, i think about his return to holland and just felt like this has to be fair. mostly, i just want to be able to tell myself that i did the right thing, that ive loved myself.

not that this has been fair all along. sometimes i feel like i dont deserve him.

not that this decision is definitely the right choice. either way, i could be looking back with regrets, all of it is one big risk. but we are growing old together, remember?

i cant live my life away from him anymore. he makes me wake up in the morning when he does with that silly wave. he coaxes me to sleep so he can play his stupid camper game. he buys too much blueberry tea for his own good. he chased that disgusting gecko away because i was terrified, even though he possibly was too lol. and tons more other things.

my headache is back.

sub.vert

2009-03-18T11:12:00.002+08:00

interim crit was... okay. dont really know what to say about it because the tutors' comments only hit what i was trying to do on the surface. the other part seems to be lost in translation. im glad this gives me a reason for change though. ruzica kept saying this is the time to be critical, this is the time to change, because well i hated my form anyway. too massive, too gross, too unpleasant. i just want something light and charming. and andrew must have reassured me a million times that for him, this can be a very charming and simple scheme.

i speak 4 languages. english. mandarin. a little french. and architecture.

short.

2009-03-16T18:04:00.002+08:00

for those who have been asking, this is my current hair length. at the moment im not really digging it. tempted to go shorter.

4-1

2009-03-16T17:04:00.001+08:00

liverpool 4. manure 1.

lol

long dark music post.

2009-03-14T00:22:00.002+08:00

music : polly scattergood - i hate the way

I hate the way I cry when you say you miss me
but I love the way you hold me when I sleep
I hate the way I bleed each time you kiss me
But you say hey, sleeping beauty, go back to sleep

We had pennies in our pockets,
we had hope in our eyes,
you said, girl, you got a million different faces,
so why d’you put on that disguise
well take what you want cause I’ve got nothing,
pass me some pills, I’ll go to bed,
but however much I toss and turn I feel a dark place up ahead

Some nights I just sit right here, I remember, I just remember
before it all got lost up in the mess
he said, “Not all men are bad, and I am not like your dad,
and I will hold you, even though you’re slightly mad,
cause I am not a man who will ever break you.”

We had pennies in our pockets,
we had hope in our eyes
you said, girl you’ve got a million different faces,
so why d’you put on that disguise
well you can take what you want cause I have got nothing,
pass me some pills and I’ll go to bed,
but however much I toss and turn I feel a dark place up ahead

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
my doctor said I gotta sing a happy tune
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, do doo dn doo
but my body gave up too soon
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
you know what

I am just fine ‘til I’m on my own
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ah doo dn doo dn doo
somebody please come home

I hate the way I tremble when you touch me
you’re like a needle slowly piercing my skin
I hate the way my stomach aches
and I really hate these loveless mistakes
cause I’m screaming for my rock who never picks up,
why do you never pick up

We had pennies in our pockets
we had hope in our eyes
you said, girl you’ve got a million different faces,
so why d’you put on that disguise
well you can take what you want cause I’ve got nothing,
pass me some pills, and I will go to bed,
but, however much I toss and turn I feel a dark place up ahead

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
my doctor said I’ve got to sing a happy tune

can be sleeping should be sleeping but i cant stop listening to polly scattergood. especially this song. dark. so dark. so awesome.

that and i have too much to do by interim crit and i thought i liked my design direction but ive been feeling pretty lousy about it these few days. maybe beating myself up isnt such a great idea at the moment. work it work it work it.

for the past few days, i woke up vaguely remembering that my dreams the night before consisted of nothing but images of my project. clearly its a sign that i can finally officially declare this stage as start to STRESS OUT stage for RIBA.

i chopped my hair.

add: recent events have made me open my eyes to how thankful i should be and am, for him.

ps. i really love this song. dark. so dark.

the girl you didnt want.

2009-03-09T01:42:00.001+08:00

awesome stockings courtesy of cj. (:

school.

2009-03-06T16:00:00.002+08:00

i am currently sitting in the national library with a whole bunch of books strewn all over the table, (and some weird dude just changed seats from 2 seats away to right beside me) trying to get a head start on my architectural structures 2500 words excluding a whole deal of analysis and critical proposal report due end of this month. only i just realized its barely a head start since everyone else has started on it already. the worst part is i totally chose the wrong building. never mind that it is not at all well documented, the first thing everyone says is ' very structural meh.' and so i was going to change my building selection BUT FORUM CLOSED. skjdfhhdfjhhdhfjhjksdghkj. very stressed and affected. but i changed anyway. hopefully its okay. :/

these days whenever love isnt around im just getting all my work done and it is a whole lot of school work. staying in school till the wee hours brainstorming for design and producing the deliverables, call me weird, but it makes me feel somewhat alive in a funny sense, all over again. its great to know that i havent been neglecting my studies as i thought i have been. it is an awesome feeling, in fact. but most likely, its because circumstances have pushed me to it. circumstances like my amazing tutor and my naturally competitive spirit.

both him and guest tutor are excited by my scheme. yayness to the max!

heres the difference between what my poly archi friends felt about my architecture and how my current nus friends feel.

poly friend: your style zaha hadid what.

nus friend: yours is always form simple, but idea, strategies and interior complicated.

yay how ive grown. duh cant wait for love to pick me up so we can have dinner im starveddddd.

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Losing Someone You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!
Being Alone
Where Your life is Going
Disappointment
Looked down on
Death
Commitment
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

2009-03-03T12:34:00.000+08:00

the island before it rained.

2009-03-01T10:51:00.005+08:00

pulau ubin for the vacation. we also went to changi museum thereafter but my phone died and i didnt have my camera with me so this is all we've got to remember it by. it was fun though i insisted we didnt need mosquito repellent and ended up feeding the damn mozzies. gah.

a few things made him very happy though. we cycled through the island which is what everybody does and im sure cycling makes him very happy cause well he has after all been cycling every day for the past 2 years before he came back from holland. and we saw dogs mating which also made him very happy lol, i hope hes not into animal porn (no hes not, im just kidding) its just he has never seen it before. live discovery channel! and we saw mudskippers and this and that. and changi museum is quite a worthy visit, everyone should go its free!

as usual, all the good times boil down to sunday and sunday is just plain... rotten. i hate sundays. back to staring at my plans, wondering whats the best way to smoke my way through tomorrow's studio. im just procrastinating to start right now even though i have tons and tons to do. its getting me a little panicky but still, im not moving. okay RIGHT AFTER THIS.

my sister told me yesterday thats ive gained weight and it made me really upset. ): i mean, i know all along that i have been gaining weight (so has my boy lol) but to hear it in my face, explosives. very. brutal. it would be amazing if i havent though, given how much we eat these days, i havent felt hungry in a long time. bad. and so i told him. please please please please i really want to lose weight pleaseeee. and even though it doesnt bother him he agreed cause its bothering me so much but only if my method is healthy. hmm tsk tsk.

the divorce.

2009-02-23T13:45:00.001+08:00

i think my parents are getting a divorce this time. for real. it has always been threats. so many so that we never took it seriously. they have never been on good terms, for as long as i can remember. for the past 30 years they have been quarreling, sometimes the quarrels were accompanied with threats of death and maybe even a real knife. i was perhaps only 5 years old when i first witnessed a fight like that and all i could do was sit at a corner in the living room sobbing hard and saying stop stop stop, mummy, daddy, dont. and my brother, at a mere 12 years of age, would snatch away the knife and threaten to kill himself instead and i would cry harder.

which is possibly why, 10 years ago when they decided to stop speaking to one another, i took it a lot better than if they were to continue fighting. sure it is weird. living in a house where your parents do not speak to one another. there is no warmth, no joy, no happiness. i cannot remember the last time i saw my daddy smile. i remember telling myself that i would do anything to make my daddy smile genuinely again. for the longest time, i envied my friends who have loving parents. i thought it rare and really really fortunate for them. i still do, but maybe i just got a little numbed.

i am in no position to comment on what caused the issues between my parents. i know my daddy has been deeply hurt by my mum and vice versa. all i can say is that i know how much both of them has sacrificed for us. my siblings and i. and that is enough.

that day when i sat in the lawyer's office, i listened as my dad poured out all the grievances and sacrifices he has made, as he started to tremble and cry, and i started to cry too. i held his hand, ashamed then to feel that that was probably the nicest thing i have done for him in a long time. i love my parents, i really do.

honestly, i have long wanted them to get a divorce. whats the point of staying together when it made everyone so unhappy. i was then, accused of not caring enough. not giving a damn. it wasnt a very pleasant accusation. i remember locking myself in my room and crying for days because my mum was damn sure i didnt give a fuck about having my parents staying together, having my family intact.

maybe i didnt. maybe all i ever wanted was for the war to end, for them to breathe easy again, for my dad to smile again.

forever ever ever.

2009-02-22T15:21:00.000+08:00

i really want to stay, too.

2009-02-22T15:06:00.003+08:00

i dont know.

sometimes there are some decisions that you just cannot make. and i dont know. what if when you use your heart to decide it goes one way and when you use your brain to decide it goes the other way and when you ask yourself sincerely what you REALLY want, it goes both ways.

what then, would you do?

what should i base my decision on?

2009-02-22T13:11:00.000+08:00

sexiest night ever.

tech pin up was a bore.

2009-02-21T00:46:00.003+08:00

self explanatory.

you put the stars in my sky.

2009-02-15T10:44:00.009+08:00

not the most beautiful day ever (recall europe falling in love days) but definitely came close. first valentines day for me ever. actually im not a huge valentines day fan but then again who was when they were single and longing for someone. valentines day was to me, a singlehood awareness day and i hated it. but of course, its clear that the main reason i hated it so much was that i had no one special to spend it with. now that i do, its more or less a different story, though some part of me still aches for the singles who have to face this cruel day and i still do think its an overly commercialized day.

still, when boyfriend showed up outside zouk to meet me, with a basket of red roses, my heart melted and all i could do was to kiss him a million times to show my joy and appreciation.

that night, as we lay in bed, i stared at his sleeping face and i dropped a single tear. at once, amazed again at how much i love him and how amazing this all had been. i know that sometimes he still looks at me, amazed at the fact that we are together. heck, we were supposed to be best friends, just best friends. whatever that has happened, is just beautiful.

he was kind of upset that the roses didnt come in a bouquet but i am perfectly okay with it. (:

i made him a jigsaw in a frame. not the best craftsmanship in the world but its the thought that counts!

in the day we slept in till after noon and we went to ikea afterwards to shop for new bath towels, bedsheet, what nots and then toiletries. not a bad feeling to finally use new towels and sleep on crisp, fresh white sheets.

and in the night, we headed to night safari. being with him made me kind of like a tourist in singapore. we have been and will be going to places ive never been to even though i stay here for so long. and i love it. i love how every weekend feels like a getaway and how we never run out of things to do.

which naturally, makes me hate sundays now.

wayang kulit haunting me all the night to night safari.

it was really kinda cool. i liked the tram ride most.

we went for supper and then headed back and then i had to check out karaokeparty.com and even though both of us were extremely tired and needed to sleep, we got hooked lol. one song led to another and another.

i lay in his arms afterwards, feeling unbelievably blissful and fearful. 4 hours later, he woke up to get ready for work and i lazed in bed and watched him get ready. he has done this a million times, wake up, get ready and leave me for work. but this morning it felt ten times heavier. i tugged at him, said dont go a million times until he was really running late and we kissed goodbye.

and then a single tear dropped. and i immediately felt like the silliest girl ever. hes just leaving for work, why the hell was i tearing?

'because you love me. and you're stupz. :) now go back to sleep and you can wake up in an hour's time.'

yes i love you. dont ever want to be with anyone else. ever.

you put the stars in my sky.

huat ah mark!

2009-02-15T10:39:00.002+08:00

it was back to zouk for mark's birthday celebration! yknow, it is said somewhere that architecture students know how to party best. maybe its because usually we are deprived of that. oh and it was keyang's virgin clubbing experience!

my favorite (and most expensive dress) in my wardrobe. cause its dvf! i love the way it moves.

HUAT AH!

shophouses.

2009-02-11T12:16:00.002+08:00

its the 5th week since school has started and my design intent is still unsettled. im beginning to feel the first signs of panic. i dont know if it is this extremely challenging site i am dealing with or my mentality this semester, somehow it is becoming increasingly hard to focus, to look at the site and to have an immediate spark of genius what i can potentially do to make the urban fabric a better one. the interpretations i have gathered from the analysis are still equivocal and i have since been straddling on intentions that even i feel were unclear.

architecture god. help me.

sucks being me.

2009-02-08T11:28:00.003+08:00

yknow, i really dont think im very good at this. in fact i think i suck. at juggling between architecture and boyfriend. its sunday and i havent touched my studio work at all. and when i finally do get down to it i just want to get it over and done with. its not that i have lost the passion, i just found a bigger passion. :/ and no, thats hardly justifiable i know. and now im down with a horrible flu, my nose feels and looks painfully swollen. i really wish we have no obligations in life and can just lie in bed all day. even im disgusted that i just said that lol.

i just want to be with him. all day. everyday.

PUNT + SP.

2009-02-08T11:14:00.003+08:00

our studio's beautiful timber site model and also painfully expensive and the model maker leader edwin lol.

its becoming a custom now. every punt session we would pin up our work and then leave the studios and head for sp for lunch and a visit! not only that but throughout the sessions, we have recruited not only our own alumni members but plenty of non sp-ians.

my favorite sambal chicken rice. oh so glorious. and the auntie always remembers me, not exactly by my appearance but by my request. she would look at me and ask for my order and i would say sambal chicken rice. dont cut the chicken! and she would say OH YOU AH! you are the only one you know. dont cut the chicken. then we would both laugh and i would be thinking im quite sure SELLY asks for that too. haha.

adrc.

my poly tutor, ms teoh, whos always all smiles.

ill never feel the same way for nus the way i feel for sp.

ORGANIZE.

2009-02-05T11:35:00.004+08:00

what im trying to show you is my very very organized cupboard in the background of the pictures [not quite my fat arm]! XD boyfriend rearranged everything while i was preparing for my pin up no talk (PUNT) interim crit, making a 1:100 timber massing model, which also costs $20. anyway, its not that im not capable of being organized, its just that outside of my macbook im really okay with not being organized. i am (amazingly) organized when it comes to files and folders in my macbook. i guess you can consider it a pet peeve, i hate cluttered desktops, i control programmes all the way till which space they should open in. boyfriend, on the other hand, is much much more organized when it comes to our real living spaces. before this, you can find my blot powder lying on top of a stack of tshirts and my hair brush just beside it. i dont quite see the relation too. but yknow, thats how i find things.

anyway PUNT is in a bit and i hope i have enough to show. sandra's tonight for cny and givany's tmr and i cannot wait. (:

p.s. i really think mum will like him if she will just give it a chance.

timber. but why?

2009-02-03T23:57:00.003+08:00

my studio and i have been trying to contemplate why is it that tutor wants us to build our models in timber. nothing else but timber. erik said greyboard, nothing else but greyboard and we didnt argue because well, there was nothing much to lose. greyboard is cheap and relatively easy to handle. timber is just... fucking expensive.

the minute he said that we can only use wood, we can virtually imagine dollar signs floating above everyone's head. that is a whole lot of money. and when i raise our extremely practical concerns during the last studio session, tutor exclaimed that scrap wood can be found everywhere! which, is true. except. scrap wood is usually at least 2inches thick, comes in several plys, and you have to saw it to work it. and nobody wants to do that when they can singlehandedly cut a piece of basswood with just an olfa blade.

im now eyeing the shelf partition in my room as a base for my model.

ahh desperate (poor) architecture student.

i clicked the button.

2009-02-03T10:01:00.000+08:00

Dear LIM WEI LING,

Status : ACCEPTED INTERNAL OFFER

You have accepted the following offer on 03/02/2009:

Partner University	:	Ecole Speciale d'Architecture
Intended Period of SEP	:	NUS AY2009/2010 Semester 1

2009-02-03T00:17:00.001+08:00

I have a roof, a family, some friends, and a girlfriend, and yet I sometimes find myself crying because life is so hard.

2009-02-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

we are going to find a solution.

what if.

staying.

is the better option.

architectural teacher.

2009-02-02T22:20:00.002+08:00

I tend to advocate the engagement with relevant social issues in our project given the public nature of site and program. Look around you and list critical social issues you think is worthwhile pursuing with the project as your vehicle. I believe doing this removes the architecture and architect from the high towers of pure academic discourse and return it to what it essentially needs to be – as a social instrument of change, improvement and liberation.

Sometimes subtlety doesnt get you far in life.

-my tutor.

now thats my kind of tutor! oh. plus he wears really funky socks like erik does! haha.

look. its how amazing. (:

2009-02-01T11:51:00.005+08:00

the day he left for holland. dec 2006. we were just friends. best friends. but just friends.

on the train in brussels to rock werchter. falling in love in europe. summer 2008.

today. 2009.

and i cannot imagine being anywhere else. i'll stay the rest of my life.

i love you boyfriend.

music : michelle featherstone - rest of my life

Here we are,

Staring straight into tomorrow's eyes,

What do you see?

Can you see the same as me?

We hold hands,

We take walks and talk,

And laugh about things.

I'll tell you what,

This could be the way,

That every day was meant to be.

I don't want to go,

I don't want to stay one night,

Or one day.

So i'll stay the rest of my life.

I don't want to leave,

I don't want to be one night,

Or one day.

So i'll stay the rest of my life

How 'bout that,

Waking up every morning with me.

Spend our time drinking coffee,

Speaking softly as the days go by.

i dont know why i havent accepted my offer to paris for exchange. i will accept it eventually. i will. i have to. its my dream, remember? i just cant click submit at the moment. weird. i wonder why.

6monthslovers 3yearsbestfriends.

2009-02-01T11:26:00.006+08:00

31.01.2009

boy planned a surprise! day of funfilled adventures on our 6th month anniversary. (: i didnt know where we were going at all even when we were boarding bus 402 at marina bay until i heard a lady asking the bus captain, to kusu island?

in the ferry to the island. boyfriend gets seasick and i had to baby him the whole trip which was nothing compared to what he planned of course. (: pictures are very reminiscent of the train ride to werchter! i found these purple shades in a bag i havent used in a long time and im really happy about it i thought i lost it!!

lovely chinese temple on the island. maybe i should bring my mum there, well when she gets round to stop being childish and start talking to me.

the tortoise shelter he spent ages at marveling at the stationary animals, doing nothing. i was not very amused in comparison.

'playing the water' in the sea was fun. ok really fun. but scary. because i cannot swim and boyfriend kept wanting to make me learn. kick my feet and stuffs and carry me deeper into the ocean despite my protests. i think my screams of no no no ahhhhhhhh no enough bring me backkkkk put me downnn was abundant in the experience lol. but it was fun. <3

prosperity to all!

2009-01-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

what the hell is wrong with me?

i hate myself.

love letter.

2009-01-29T21:40:00.004+08:00

My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved,
I can live only wholly with you or not at all
No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together
Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

-Beethoven

2009-01-28T15:16:00.000+08:00

i love my family.

but home, isnt a very happy place to go back to.

gong xi gong xi!

2009-01-25T16:14:00.003+08:00

im back in sengkang (for the uninformed, outside of nus, i kinda belong here) for cny! tomorrow, im going back to malaysia. and because i am stupz (boyfriend will be very happy to read this cause he calls me stupz all the time), i forgot to bring my passport! and now i have to go back to nus to get it. omg what a drag.

school has been pretty okay. even though we have work to be done this cny, its not an overwhelming lot, very very pleasantly surprisingly. and i like my studio more and more everyday. which is always nice. right now im just bummed because i didnt really get any fabulous new clothes for tomorrow. i did get that peter jensen for topshop jodhpurs which was a real steal but i have no matching top for it and when it comes to cny clothes, as long as its not brightly colored and cheery, it is ugly to my mom.

not going to be very popular this year.

watch the latest episode of greys anatomy! its a real tearjerker!

alright i need to go back to get that passport now.

PARIS WATCH OUT FOR ME!

2009-01-24T00:46:00.001+08:00

Dear LIM WEI LING,

You have been offered a place at Ecole Speciale d'Architecture for the student exchange programme during NUS AY2009/2010 Semester 1.

2009-01-19T00:21:00.006+08:00

words just do not justify this love.

one of my favorite things is to wake up beside you too. you always give me a sleepy smile (my itunes library is on shuffle 4ogigs of mp3 and sigur ros just happens to play now), i smile back, my eyes half closed. then, you being you, lift your right hand, wave and say a muffled yet enthusiastic 'hello!', your smile widening. i laugh and throw my arms around you.

'want to explode?'

'okay'

'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!'

i can. and i want to. in fact. i need to.

do that every morning for the rest of my life.

the adventures of dora and diego!

2009-01-18T23:56:00.014+08:00

love and i woke up with a mission to complete on saturday morning. to conquer the southern ridges! it was his ME day so this time it was my turn to wake up earlier to prepare food for the picnic. and believe it or not, i make rockin' sandwiches. hey! i used to work at o'briens after all.

FIRST time in years i stepped out without eyeliner. i would have never done it but boyfriend always looks at me lovingly when im makeup-less and says hes going to ban me from wearing make up.

unlike most people, we started from kent ridge park.

his awkward smile.

hort park was really quite beautiful. i believe its the only place in singapore i can see such vibrant flowers, much like those i saw in europe.

and so we set our picnic mat at hort park and had lunch there. much like what we did everyday that weekend in holland. (: it was beautiful.

and i have many more pictures but MY CARD IS CORRUPTED SO I LOST THEM. I AM REALLY BUMMED OVER IT RIGHT NOW. ):

all my pictures from shadowing someone at site are gone too.

sigh. so anyway we conquered the southern ridges yayy. it was a really really long walk, but ill do ANYTHING with love 10 times over. (: i got badly burnt too and that sucks. but the day ended beautifully when i found the peter jensen for topshop painfully cool pants on the sales rack going for more than 85% less than its original price of $189. i almost shrieked in delight. MY SIZE TOO!

cool tutor.

2009-01-18T23:41:00.004+08:00

my tutor is uber cool. so we met at site on thursday for studio. and we sat at the grounds of the malay heritage centre for a while to discuss our findings. after which he brought us to blu jazz cafe, bought us beer (yippieeeee). so anyway our assignment for the weekend is to either change our identity for 8 hours OR shadow someone for 8 hours. so that after that our experience with the site will be more personal. isnt that cool. (:

then love came to have dinner with me. (:(:(:

you baboon!

2009-01-13T21:16:00.003+08:00

boyfriend and i just spent 30minutes on the phone exchanging 'you baboon!'s and 'no! you baboon!'s. it only ended when i said 'ok we baboons!' and he said 'ok.'

hahahaha what a waste of time.

noooooooooooo.

2009-01-13T00:36:00.004+08:00

so school officially started again today. was trying to stall bedtime last night because i know once i close my eyes, i would wake up to school and that was a horrible feeling. back also to the noisy corridors and nosey neighbors at the hostel. i really liked staying here during the vacation where there was practically no one around. no one to vie for the cubicles, the showers, the pantry, the washing machines and the dryers. i could literally have walked out in my underwear and no one would care simply because they werent here to care. im just saying.

i have my site. and its kampong glam. so apparently there are 4 urban studios and 2 urban sites. kampong glam and little india. i saw little india and i was all psyched. i went yes yes yes please give me little india i want little india! because number 1, i did urban analysis for that dumb module in year 2. and 2, boyfriend works there! and 3, its a much more vibrant place than pretentious kampong glam. and they had to give me kampong glam. life... while the way tutor spoke made me very confident he is every bit the excellent tutor rumors say, he also promises to be every bit the slave driver he is also rumored to be.

went to site earlier to get a feel of the place. apparently i have been there a million times and i didnt even know that place is called kampong glam. and boyfriend was working so i thought, hey since im in the area maybe i should pop by and say hi, get a quick mmmmm! hug and a kiss. so i did just that. only... i got lost and took more than an hour to walk that supposedly 20 minutes(?) distance. not pleasant. given that i have been presented with so many opportunities to get lost in little india, i really think i should have gotten it!

ok stop whining and just do well with kampong pretentious glam. ok fine.

anyway on another note i took down my tagboard! (haha yes hana i did it) please utilise the comment link instead! (:

hahaha the baboons!

2009-01-11T22:09:00.011+08:00

pre zoo prep. late night / early morning shopping at mustafa after love knocked off from work. i was dragging my feet while a supermarket crazed him was going crazy with the galore of goods they have.

love took me to the zoo today! (:(:(:(: we were supposed to go yesterday but i refused to wake up lol. so he planned out the tentative schedule in gentle whispers as i nodded my head sleepily, agreeing to everything he was suggesting, as long as i could sleep a bit longer.

need to be skinny.

love crawled out of bed earlier than me and prepared wraps for lunch. i wouldve helped but im a klutz in the kitchen and thats really not an excuse! well, not a hugh part of it anyway lol.

he loved the baboons.

and i loved the tigers.

yay just what i needed before the holidays finally come to an end.

tomorrow, its back to school. ):

sweetness and pain.

2009-01-09T12:20:00.003+08:00

yesterday we lay in bed together after a heavy japanese meal. if i were to lie down right after a meal, he would pull me up and say 'you just ate!' relunctantly, i would sit up. but 5 minutes later, the boy would lie down himself and i would say 'but we just ate!' he would shrug and say 'its okay. long enough.' hes annoying like that. but i love him. it was one of the moments i could stay in forever. literally. i had my arms wrapped tightly around him and my head on his shoulder. most comfortable feeling in the entire world. whoever who started with the phrase 'theres nowhere else id rather be' must have been right there, arms wrapped around someone he loves as deeply as well. i closed my eyes and imagined an earthquake or terrorists surrounding the vicinity or anything that would require evacuation or the sky falling down on us, and i pictured a slow motion movie whereby everything else destructs around us but we would still lie there. unfazed. completely serene faces. nowhere else id rather be.

then he started to snore softly and i smiled a little smile. falling asleep. again. he always falls asleep quickly after he lies down. almost everytime. at least hes consistent. haha. i was almost tempted to not wake him for his appointment which he was going to be late for. so i stalled. i let him sleep for a couple more minutes before i patted his chest lightly and announced that hes going to be late. he opened his eyes, still looking extremely sleepy, got up and checked the time. then he fell right back into bed. at times, his unhurriedness really annoys me. but then again, other times, times like then, times like when i want a moment to last forever, im thankful for it.

he held me tighly in his arms and i reciprocated. i let out a soft 'mmmm' and he imitated. i laughed softly and 'mmm' again, this time louder and more deliberate. he did the same. i laughed again and said 'lets mmmm till we explode together.' he laughed and said okay. so we hugged with all our might and mmmmm-ed with all our might. then fell back into fits of laughter.

that was when he said it. 'ling, dont go exchange.' i stared at him and blinked. if i was extremely surprised at his request, i probably didnt show it. he has never said anything about it, i thought he was very okay with it. it was one of those things we knew was going to happen, so we would just let it happen. like his going back to holland. it was one of those things. or so i thought. i cannot deny that it was really nice to hear that from him nevertheless. it was a feeling of sweetness and pain at the same time. love is always, sweetness and pain.

'if i dont go exchange, you dont go back to holland'
'okay'

that, i know he didnt mean. he has to go back to holland. we all know that. but what i always appreciate is how he comforts me when i paint a bleak picture of his departure. he never dwells in the misery along with me. if he is influenced by the pessimism, he never ever shows it. 'you can come and visit me 2 times a year and i can come and visit you 2 times. thats 4 times! then we can go to prague again and wheres that place you wanted to see again?' 'greece..' i would say, amidst my sobs. 'yaaa we go.' then he would smile and say 'it will be okay.'

there is nothing like love. you should try it.

STARS.

2009-01-08T23:59:00.004+08:00

music : stars - calendar girl

if i am lost for a day, try to find me

but if i dont come back, then i wont look behind me

all of the things that i thought was so easy

just got harder and harder each day

we caught stars LIVE. yes yes we did even though we were sitting wayyy high up and feeling completely jealous when torquil walked over seats among fans who paid well.. $148. but anyway yay stars live. it was a pretty good show and calendar girl has always been my favorite stars song but still i was caught off guard when i burst out crying when amy belted out 'if i am lost for a day...' not sure why i did that but yes, i love that song.

shitty handphone camera. ): on this note, i should make myself bring my dslr out at least once a week. and not leave it to collect dust. since its clear that im not ever going to get a compact anyway.

music : stars - my favorite book

and that is why we'll always make it

how i know your face, all the ways you move, you come in, i can read you

youre my favourite book

all the things you say, the way you shift your eyes

i never knew there was someone, to make me come alive

next show. mogwai?

shit.

2009-01-05T19:39:00.003+08:00

i cannot deny that i am

SHITTING. IN. MY. PANTS. RIGHT. NOW.

i am very pleased that i finally got myself an awesome tutor (according to hear-say) this semester but at the same time, i am super scared! neo sei hwa is like super intense ala erik no. 2. T___T i wanted to clear my science elective this semester but the minute i saw the list, my non existing balls shrunk by 5cm. and given that the exhibition for the prague workshop is due june 2009, no, no extra modules for me anymore. need to get my shit together and do that suffocate stunt again.

RIBA SEM RIBA SEM.

priority list

1. love

2. riba

kit's voice ringing in my head 'so when you withdrawing?'

hahahahahaha.

2009-01-05T01:53:00.001+08:00

makeup heaven.

2009-01-03T23:31:00.003+08:00

love (finally) got a haircut today. (:

then i met selly to shop around and we walked into heaven.

for makeup junkies like me, or even if not, sephora is a dream. i still remember the anticipation to step into a sephora outlet when i was going to europe (on top of H&M). and everytime i see a sephora store i hyperventilated along with qingling and we walked as fast as our legs could carry us so we could enter heaven. haha. the new sephora outlet is a dream, really! i must complain about the lack of urban decay, nars and other brands. but their in house line, too faced, becca, i.d., and SO MANY MORE make the store a daze (in a good way) to walk in. plus! you can try everything you want in their cute counters equipped with cotton applicators, tissue and every kind of removers. minus annoying sales assistants ala those at counters. AWESOME. i cant rave enough about sephora. the best part was sandra bought me a benefit blusher for xmas (dandelion) which i already have so i went to do an exchange at sephora and i swopped it for a too-faced pressed powder and a sephora lipstick and i am absolutely pleased with both.

YAYS I AM ONCE AGAIN SO HAPPY.

always feel this way.

2009-01-02T23:21:00.004+08:00

music : tristan prettyman - love love love

i know most definitely that

theres gonna be you

theres gonna be me

love took me out on a dinner date today and he was an absolute gem. (: the cutest part was when he lured me to heerens basement, wanting to go to marches and then realized it has been gone for the longest time lol. aww. (: so we went to california pizza kitchen and im now so full im not going to eat for 2 weeks. (right thats what i said yesterday after a pizza hut feast with love, no wonder people get fat when theyre in love.)

no like green peas unlike theyre wasabi coated.

and then we went to.. i dont even know the place's name, for drinks. and its uber cool, i had the best mango daiquiri or maybe because its been a while since i have something other than beer! so i went like everytime beer beer beer in an accusing tone and love went what? not my fault. ever since you came back from czech all you want is beer! lol.

nono the cool part is that.. so we were chilling outdoors and i heard the shattering of plates indoors and i was like wtf is happening! love laughed and said theyre doing it again. APPARENTLY every night they throw plates on the floor and break them.. FOR FUN! since years back! HOW COME NOBODY EVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT WHEN ITS ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO OPEN A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE CAN BUY STUFFS TO SMASH THEM TO VENT THEIR FRUSTRATIONS! SUPER AWESOMEEEE I LOVE IT. i just dont understand why they do it. who clears the place?! where do the smashed pieces go?!

LOOK!

AND LOOK. he ta-dah-ed surprised me with the latest from my fav author, nicholas sparks! YAYNESS IM SO HAPPY.

Amélie.

2009-01-01T22:28:00.001+08:00

sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd'hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois.

(without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's.)

my real hope and dream for 2009.

2009-01-01T19:22:00.007+08:00

im not going to paint a perfect picture of my relationship like many others do in their blogs. like what we read in fairy tales. the kind that is perfect on the surface but since it doesnt zoom in to the smallest detail, we assume that everything, every, single, little, thing, is in bliss. that is hardly possible. my relationship is not perfect, if you define it by perfection, in general. the kind where issues dont exist, the kind where we are in agreement when it comes to every thing. if you get what i mean. in fact, what we have is far from that.

we squabble, quite a lot, well mostly me. he pisses me off. quite a lot. it is when my anger is bursting and i realize i still very much want to love him and that despite my annoyance at the act he has committed, all i really want to do is to stop being mad at him, hold him tight and... love him. it is through the squabbles that we grew to understand one another more by the day.i really appreciate how he never wants to let go of the argument until i let out all my frustrations, until he fully comprehends what it is i am upset about. no matter how trivial and petty it seems.

he called me after 12 last night from work while i was on my way to get him. 'lingggg. can i tell you somethingg? i love you so muchhhhh.' my first smile of the new year.

then i was talking to ziyen while waiting for him to get off work. he took the phone from my hand, 3 times and each time, held a mandarin conversation with her. 'ni shi sui? wo de nu peng you hen mei de. wo hen ai ta. wo yao gen ta jie hun, ke yi ma?' my first laugh of the new year.

then he got pissed drunk. and i got very pissed off. my first frown of the new year.

the thing about my boyfriend, he will do anything he can to never let me stay mad. he talks sense, he talks nonsense, he tickles, he makes me laugh, he plants his nose on my cheek and kisses me one million times. my first reassurance of the new year.

and now as im typing this, im feeling, intensely, how it feels like to truly love someone. to feel the waves of joy, fear, happiness, sadness, bliss, sweetness and everything mixed hit you all at once. first time in this new year.

we have issues. we are not the perfect couple. but we are so, very much, fiercely in love.

he makes me feel so alive. he does not care at all about what other people think. he holds me tightly in his arms in public, refusing to let go, when i kick a fuss over something. he lifts me up by surprise time and again, twirling me around, making me laugh between my screams of let me downnn! he takes my hand as we sprint across busy roads. he makes me do the slow dance with him in the middle of streets, at the traffic junctions, in the mrt. lol.

i want to be married to a man for 25 years and still feel the butterflies in my stomach when his car pulls into our driveway.

its too early to tell but i really think, i can see it happening with him.

what im trying to say is, for 2009, all i want is to love and be loved, by my boy.

p.s. to be in love is such a wonderful (yet scary) experience. i doubt anything comes close to making one feel alive.

new year again?!?!!!?!

2008-12-31T00:06:00.003+08:00

so i was reading at my hopes and dreams post for 2008 written at the end of 2007 (which most of you have not seen before because its in my personal blog) and i couldnt help laughing. and laughing. and laughing and laughing. omg i was so funny. luckily i didnt call those resolutions though. LUCKILY i said hopes and dreams and that if i dont fulfill them, then shit happens. so i was thinking why not i show it to everybody and do some reflections on them and laugh about it (and lose my reputation along the way). (:

1. no more loser resolutions like being thrifty with my love. because firstly, it never worked out anyway. so fuck it. i love whoever i want to love. i have crushes on whoever catch my eyes. i flirt with whoever i want to flirt with. if i get hurt, so be it. i get up and i move on and i do it all over again. pain makes one feel alive.

THIS, I DID. and may i say, what a ride for 2008 when it comes to this.

2. no more changing myself for a crush or anyone at all. if he doesnt like my eyeliner, its his loss that he doesnt know how to see beyond a facade. I AM MY TRUE SELF. no matter how my outlook changes.

this is just funny. hahahaha.

3. achieve my ideal weight of 48kg and while im at it, FLAT STOMACH. please please please. you want to do this every year for many years now! do it this time!

hahahahaha this is funnier. this. i will never achieve. so. i give up! :D

4. religiously continue to apply my skincare products. become fairer and fairer by the day. with clearer and clearer skin.

hmmm this is considerably okay.

5. maintain my CAP score, if not higher. however, i shall not stoop low as to only be grades oriented. i do whatever i want and enjoy doing and thats how i shall shine.

right. fail.

6. dance. dance a hell a lot.

wish i did. REALLY. wish i did. :(

7. i shall not care if i regret. regrets are part of life. regrets are what make you learn and grow. do everything which scares you ONCE. so at least i will know how i feel doing it, after it, whether or not i like it, if i should do it again. i shall not care if i regret. because this is part of my journey towards self discovery. because if i dont do it, i wont know.

still true.

and so here we are. 2008 is coming to an end. then i thought 2007 was the most happening year of my life. that was before 2008 came along. and i must say, what a roller coaster ride for a year. without a doubt, i credit a large part of it to experiencing europe. i shall not list down everything which has enriched me this year like i did, because i can go on forever and i will. for the sake of not boring you (and for myself to get some shut-eye). let me just say that.

europe.

is.

awesome.

sigur ros.

is.

god.

and.

my love.

may not be everything i could have ever asked for. i can only be honest here. im quite sure when people say that, theyre lying. he is not everything i could have ever asked for. he, however, made me realize that everything i ever asked for, was wrong.

i love you. thank you for making 2008 fabulous.

hello 2009.

too many monkeyyyyxzxzxzzz!

2008-12-30T23:52:00.004+08:00

osky is back from australia for a while so we met up for a post christmas thingy. am never a big fan of board games so never saw the fuss when it comes to settlers cafe or mind cafe so when alvin suggested it, i went zzzzzzzzzzzzz. still, cant totally deny it was alright. pretty fun. (ok ego ego in the way) okayy quite pretty fun okayy.

forfeit for the loser HAHAHA. my bestie is a pretty girl but this, by far, topped everything lol.

the uber ridiculous monkey game.

look at my big arms (gen youre not alone!) and my awesome stockings.

everything changes with the blink of an eye.

2008-12-28T01:48:00.002+08:00

hello playdoh.

remember gay eskimo?

(: take care. have fun. be the adventurer youve always dreamt of being.

and "i'll see you soon."

bye playdoh.

A VACANT AFFAIR.

2008-12-27T02:55:00.007+08:00

when im with you, i have no reasons to leave.

a vacant affair's album launch was kickass. (:(: what a way to end the year. i was standing there not too near but not too far away from the stage and taking it all in. from time to time i had to smile. because i feel so happy for them and so proud of them. i wasnt there since the beginning but i tried as much as i can to support the past 2(?) years. AVA is awesome. they deserve every bit of their success now.

RUDI. ROCKSTAR AH.

nooooo. just at the right place. at the right time.

i dont have pictures of the show. probably wait for someone to upload them.

this was PRE SHOW.

THIS WAS POST SHOW.

shen biggest rockstar everrrrr.

nat caught off guard.

2 things which makes me really sad though.

1. ava will never play famous last tears ever again and flt is my fav ava song and is one of my fav ever songs. the song means a lot to me.

2. shen is leaving for usa tomorrow. in fact, today. i thought i probably wont be very affected since i hardly even meet him much when hes here right but no. ): i think i thought wrong.

shen. thank YOU for everything.

we came and we left

like comets in a flash

"ill see you soon" was all we said

NARNIA REUNION.

2008-12-27T02:42:00.003+08:00

yes. going to do something about my hair on tuesday. all hope is not lost! the last time i went to a salon was f-ing months back and now its a whole big bunch of frizzy.. err frizz. dye faded miserably too and now i look like an ahlian. cannot carry on like this. i have a reputation to uphold and streetcred to maintain lol.

i playeddd around and here i have a different take on my floral thrifted dress!

i met terry and ricky the other day very spontaneously for dinner and drinks. you can say it was a narnia reunion. mens talk! havent had mens talk in a long time. in ways, all of us have matured and went on to new problems. it used to revolve around having no significant others and dating woes. now its revolving around real relationship woes. yet the funny thing is, no one wants back in narnia. its true. no matter how hard a relationship is to maintain, no matter how attractive the lifestyle of a singleton is, at the end of the day we all want something constant. we just need to know that its all worth it. worth it to give up guarding the gates of narnia for lol.

did i mention theyre probably the funniest people i know.

look! everyone must go to brewerkz to get drunk between 12-3pm!!!

nightmare.

2008-12-26T11:07:00.003+08:00

music : nothing to declare - nightmare

take me out from this nightmare

ive seen it all before

if its neverending

then tell me what its for

is there anybody listening

does anybody care

give me a hope to believe in

or just take me away

i wish i was dead

i wish i was numbed

i wish i was heartless till the end

move on and watch you go

id rather stay and fall

i wish there was something i could do

or something i could say

but for now im like a stone in the sea

ahh i miss!

CHRISTMAS AT HOME.

2008-12-26T10:44:00.004+08:00

christmas eve was spent chilling to an awesome lineup at homeclub. i especially especially loved masashi (die dont even know how to spell his name)'s set. he played nightmare accoustic and that made me want to cry lol because it used to be my theme song! and its been a while. i hung out with the crazy girls till my boy arrived. by then it was like 3am and i was already hyper from all the free beers and one bottle of kopitiam tiger.

girl friends.

mark you dont have facebook so i thought ill post it for you to see hahaha.

i know. it bothers me too that my boyfriend is prettier than me. ):

p.s. happy christmas everyone! im in the office now and i might as well not be here cause nobody is here! hahaha and i found a way to access facebook even though its blocked. im awesome.

thank you.

2008-12-24T11:30:00.001+08:00

she thinks insecurity runs in her family. she has no comprehension of what her fears are grounded on but she cannot seem to help it. fear. that is the dominant emotion which engulfs her every day. you see. the thing is, she knows, she knows it is precisely this fear that holds the potential to drive the things she loves away from her. and because she is aware, and because she cannot help it, she struggles. sometimes. she thinks maybe she will lose. you see. ling is a wreck. or at least, sometimes, she feels like one.

okay you go do your thing. i'll talk to you later. she said, trying to keep her voice from quivering. as if biding her command, her phone's battery died soon after, leaving her to her walk home, alone. these days, it has been rather windy. accompanied with the gentle trickle of rain, she felt colder than ever.

she sat on her bed, sobbing hard. sobbing hard and not understanding why she is sobbing. with one trembling hand, she picked up her phone and dialed his number. come, please.

hold on. be strong im there soon.

thirty minutes later, she folded herself into his arms. you can still come over when i need you now, what happens when you are away. i cannot stand your absence. she tightened the embrace and pressed her face into his shoulder. if it is possible, she literally does not want to ever let go.

what's wrong. tell me. what's wrong. she paused and shook her head. i don't know. i really don't know. instead, her arms circled him again. she was sure her embrace said more than she could have at the moment.

i am scared.
i love you so much.
yesterday. today. tomorrow. and forever more.
please stay.
please. just stay.
today. tomorrow. and forever more.

oh the horror.

2008-12-23T13:49:00.001+08:00

results are out. i didnt dare to check i didnt want to check i had to call my boy and go noooooooo im hitting enter im hitting enter okay noooo tell me ill do well first. omg how how how die.

lets just say what i saw was expected.

WONDERLAND.

2008-12-18T22:40:00.003+08:00

music : avril lavigne - innocence

its the state of bliss you think youre dreaming

its the happiness inside that youre feeling

its so beautiful it makes you want to cry

the funny thing is, i can blog and write a lot, a whole lot, when i am feeling extremely down / emotional / depressed / upset. this, perhaps, applies to everyone. maybe that is why i havent been putting down much words.

because for the first time in my life, i am absolutely happy. (:

so much so that i really dont care about what you think, you can laugh and gossip about it, shake your head and make judgements all you want, the truth is, i wouldnt change a thing about it.

boy: linggggg. how much do you love me?

me: so much that when i concentrate on the love, it makes me want to cry.

boy: i love you more.

2008-12-17T20:00:00.002+08:00

ive made the switch!

no more secondary school-ish red4passion.

no more annoying hotmail interface.

email me at lingindiejunkie@gmail.com!