pause the tragic ending.

hey it took a while for me to get used to the whole working life thing again. i guess i got sucked into the whole healthy working lifestyle thing as i always do for a bit. working makes me live my life in a much healthy manner. i eat my three meals (that is if i do not have the discipline to stick to my one-handful-of-almonds-only-and-chocolate-milk lunch diet), i drink lots of lots of water, i apply hand cream every time i feel like i have nothing to do or when im just plain bored. and i sleep early. i know this blog post is not going to prove that right, but this is an exception. i sleep early. its beginning to be more believable that im going to be doing this for the next 3 months. 

working life is scary. you sit there, whether you are occupied or unoccupied with work, and will for lunchtime to arrive. after that you watch as the seconds tick, willing this time, for 6pm. after work life never lasts long enough and before you know it, you are dragging your feet to the office again and the cycle continues. as slow as the minutes seem to pass when you are starring at the small digital figures on the bottom right hand corner of your computer screen, believe me, working life makes life teleports. vacations do not end so fast when you are just sitting around doing nothing. working just speeds everything up by the speed of light, if that even makes sense. 

that is scary. that means im growing older faster. and that isnt even the point. that means, im moving out of campus really soon. that means, love and i cant stay together much longer. that means, love is enlisting really soon. that means, im leaving for paris really soon. that means, we are going to be separated by continents, by miles and miles of oceans and mountains, once again. i dont know if i can stand that thought, even though its me at the other end of the world this time. 

today as i was holding his hand walking around vivocity, just walking around, looking at clothes, looking at nothing. fear gripped me. i recollect this very afternoon when he came by to have lunch with me, this very evening when he waited at my office lobby, the embraces and the kisses, the happily holding his hand strolling to the bus stop. i think about the journey we are going to take back home, the 'huhhh need to walk so far' complaints he always makes, the 'take cab la' requests he always has. i think about the consecutive nights i lay down and close my eyes, falling to sleep with the gentle heaving of his chest, the rhythmic sounds of his breathing. i then think about his silly waves and kisses in the morning and little habitual greetings we do when we wake up and how those things make my mornings complete. 

all these will end, really soon. and i fear what i will feel when i try to fall asleep alone. i fear waking up without him beside me. i fear not seeing him everyday. 

if i can only make these days last forever, i dont mind drawing escalators and resolving impossble-to-resolve scissors staircases everyday. 

why cant beautiful things stay? 

you neednt tell me. i know it myself. my own thoughts are whats breaking me down. 

music: rachael yamagata - the only fault

If I could have some say

I'd keep you far from home

I'd roll back both my sleeves, dig under your skin

And fix your shattered bones